mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
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No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize