Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
