I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's blow job season.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
