Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
