How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
