the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
