The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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