what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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