I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
