Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I want to be your penis for a week.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
