Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
