I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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