i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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