Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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