Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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