she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
