please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
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Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
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I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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