the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You need Xanax blowdarts
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
