remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
