Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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