Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
