I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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