i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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