I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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