I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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