i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
