I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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