I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
