shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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