i just made my gag reflex go away.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
