I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My ass is underappreciated
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
