So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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