I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
