1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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