Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
