We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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