Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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