If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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