the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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