somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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