i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
