Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
