you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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