he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
