You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
