All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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