I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
