My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
