dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
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he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
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The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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