Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
