My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
