Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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