Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
