Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
