I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
