she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
