meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
