I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
