Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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