Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize